Man, I have to grow up, Damnit,.

But I can still watch and sing to Grease while I clean my room again waiting for my laundry to be done.

I just figured out today that I suck at life a little and I need to grow up. Having had to borrow even $20 from someone for the first time in a very very long time was super odd to me and I can't wait to pay said person back, and you're awesome and no, I'm not saying it's aliens, BUT IT'S ALIENS!

Man I have been horrible about writing in here, but it might still be one of the things I actually stick to-ish, as the one thing I do EVERY WEEK is Drunk Geeky Trivia with a few coworkers every Wednesday night. Other than that my plans tend to only involve other great people, so I at least can say that going forward I have support.

Christmas Kicked behind this year. I officially screamed profanity with my sister cross legged on the floor in front of the fire-place for five full minutes (man, that's a lot of alliteration), when my dad came out of no where an purchased us iPad2s. WHAT?!?!? I know. Me with a smart device, still taking some getting used to, but I baby it like I do my sunglasses. (also super awesome). Other than that I got to be a little kid with adult precision when making gingerbread houses with my cousins on Christmas eve. They all looked amazing, and we ended up with one that literally looked like a tree-house and both the tree and the house were made of gingerbread. SOO Fantastic!

I received two invitations for NYE and though one would be awesome, I was hoping for a chance to be with someone I wanted to kiss at midnight. Having had said person shut it down in a believe me it's not as bad as I'm making it sound now, kind of way, and remembering that I have Sunday off, I get the joy of going back to Spokie to go to two old friends' wedding. They've been together for goodness knows how long and they were a great set of people I saw weekly. Funny story how that started. and I get to see him there too...mwuahahahaha!

Day 11: Knowledge is free, and sometimes its good to just stop and realize that you are breathing. I'm a firm day by day believer and though I've also decided I'm being my own parent and not allowing myself to date until I'm 30, I need to remember that lessons don't always have to be learned the hard way, and that listening to people's stories can help you at least try not to be hurt as much in the future. I've seen and learned this "learn the hard way" first hand, mostly in my best friend. She's strong as hell, stubborn as an ox, smart as a whip, and as beautiful as seeing your favorite animal up close. But she HAS to learn the hard way. I've learn to just shut my trap, support and trust her, and let her make them herself. If she wants my opinion, she knows it's most likely right and I'll have only her best intentions at heart, but she'll ask. And I am learning to keep my mouth shut, not because I'm holding back, but because I don't want to give it away anymore. I think people are far more interesting when you don't know everything about them. but therein lies the mystery and the secret of time. And about the breathing. I need to do that more, I do it often, but I feel better when I just stop and breathe. Works best when I'm trying to sleep and I breathe as slow as possible. Eh. I'm only, you know, a SUPER HERO! lol

Just kidding :)

Negative Nancy

I hate when I can tell I'm being  a negative nancy. It's embarrassing.

I've made the full decision to not care about what I eat for the winter entirely.

And I had nothing wrong with my teeth/gums at my first dentist apt in over a year! (thanks Sonicare!)

Day 10: I want to take an awesome vacation alone. I've realized recently that I have a two month break from April to June and that's plenty of time to go somewhere nice and awesome. And I've never pushed myself to be alone and survive...might try it. Or find a new place to live depending on how my mom feels. Which I'm totally ok with, no rush. But doing something awesome crazy and smart would be INCREDIBLE!

staying out late... every night...

Wow, I totally feel bad about being 2 days late! eeeekk! I'm my own worst deadline.

Must say  that Thurday = TONS of fun, with good food, including home-made pizza crust that tasted like fish...Sorry jack, but your wife was right, it totally tasted like fish. But over all a fine pizza with in the nick of time hot buttered rum and egg-a nog-a. And I got to do MAFF, that outsmarted me. arg. I NEED to get back into that.

Friday, oh man. Went to Skillet on Cap Hill. Started with a Bloody Mary (bacon infused) and then a Mimosa. Went to Elysian and sampled the IPA the porter, and had a Stout of my very own, (very big in my opinion). And this delicious Earl Grey tea with white chocolate liquor and amaretto. Mmmm! Waited a bit and went to the Space Needle and was reminded, yet again, that I don't think I'll end up anywhere else, cuz I LOVE IT HERE! That view never never gets old. Never. I think it's the little kid in me. *still stoked* Had a glass of red up there, so good, the Bartender had Invader Zim tattoos on the inside of his calves teehee. Then a night of perusing the Hill.

I want to make "white russians" my drink, cuz why not promote the Big Lebowski?

Saturday, I left my wallet at my friends house, super scary driving around, like I do, without a driver's license, though I've been called "tactful" lately so that's what I'm sticking to. But still, other people are crazy, I was only pointed this out by my best friend that I'm operating a one-ton killing machine, going really fast. She was in a car accident and now flinches at every brake light, which is cute, but I feel bad, cuz we could be a good football length away and she can still imagine the impact. But I got oil for my bar, just need a place to change it. and I got my car washed...which totally lost me Karma, (forgot cash to tip :( horrible). Then I got to see a friend of mine, who luck has it, gets to live down in Tahoe, CA to snowboard, ALL EFFING SEASON! *is jealous* but it made me think of maybe work/traveling on my two month break next year...Came home to bikers and big hearts.

There's something to be said when someone can see your full emotion in what you say.
Day 9: I have something to say, and I don't care who knows it.
I LOVE TALKING! OMGoodness like all the time. I'll admit it, and I have worked hard to do that for a living. I do love talking, and I love passing on the words I've learned.
Case one: listening, today I heard that Knowledge is free, that's why you listen to people when they say they have lessons, because you DON'T have to learn the hard way, just absorb what you can like a sponge and work with it. So I can learn from words. and I can help others by listening.
Case two. Last night I broke someone's heart. Nothing romantic, nothing dramatic, just I mentioned something that bothered me, and someone saw that it really bothered me. Said person has got to be one of the reasons I got home early and was sad I couldn't say good bye this morning to. He's got a few years, and he's human, but oh man, his heart and his faith. Brings tears to my eyes. and he saw my small bother and felt it. So I feel words. and I can touch with words.
Case three. We're chilling at Elysian, and I come out of the bathroom to find my friend speaking with an old gentleman at the end of the bar and he has this tattered paper notebook that looks like a pocket calendar with a rubber band around it with a few notes. We start talking about life, and he is all about living in the moment, and passing on the word and being happy, just because. And he takes out his book and he had showed it to my friend and explained it's just his book for thoughts. I reach into my purse and pull out mine, and we both smile like old friends. My friend tries to take a picture of him, but graciously asks first and he declines. He said that's part of his soul and she didn't deserve it, yet, because she didn't know him. Which I thought was pretty cool. Then we talked more about life, and as we are about to leave I mention something along the lines of, "well I think everyone has a story, and I love stories, I always have and always will, which is why I try and talk and listen, because I could learn something from everyone." He then asked if he could put that down, he clarified, take my words, and put them in his book. He asked me for part of me and I could have lifted off the ground. He saw how much I meant them and wanted to honor them and pass them on. *sooo cool*

I love being 22. Golden year, going well :)

Paint it black.

Awesome weekend into a Sunday. I made a lady cry today for all the right reasons and ah, so good! *breath of fresh winter air* I felt proud :D  *huge shit eating grin that denies nothing* Spreading holiday cheer!

Loving that all the movies I love I can find for less than $7 like everywhere. And I might need more tea. lol


Day 8: I think I could have been born in other eras. In a sense that I could totally see myself being a wench in medieval times, wife of a blacksmith, or as a jester.
I can see myself being born in the 30s, to remember the 40s, and live the 50s and 60s, with swing, big band, manners, and respect. (amazing clothes)
And I'm starting to not mind when I was born. It's an interesting, new perspective to listen to. All these smart devices...that I'm using too...hahaha

movie = the hangover :)

And it ends with Laundry.

Oh goodness, as fully hoped for last week was awesome. I feel like I"m drifting from old friends to new friends and it's a learning process and I love it. I start a work week tomorrow, but I get to fall asleep to a new movie...can't be too mad. It's not like it's unexpected.

My room is actually clean again, go figure though, that at the end of an awesome week, there's always laundry.

Day 7: I LOVE MOVIES, PIZZA, AND TOMATOES! If anyone of those of any kind is ever offered...I take it, wholeheartedly. I can watch movies anytime, I even listen to them like music while I clean or work.
Pizza. OMGoodness. You can have it anytime of day, (breakfast pizza = best), you can ANY kind you want (dessert, taco, pepperoni and black olive...), and it like, never expires, even on the counter.
Tomatoes. I'm the one who takes them all from the veggie tray and from the salad bar. I'm the one to eat tomato only sandwiches, and eat them like I'd eat an apple. If you ever don't like em, pass em. Just sayin.

ps. new find,*can't spell it correctly* but small foods at parties, like quiche and small cup cakes and baked green beans. I wanna say "or dervs" but I think it's spelled hour devoirs...soo good though. so good.

John Cusack...YES!

Today went pretty good on the long haul. I would have to say the only downside was the tab. However, it's fair, so we're good. My mom and I trade off.anyways.

Loved the movie Immortals. Better than I thought and I liked the cinematography,

Talked with my mom about my last blog post. Which I can agree on, and it made sense the way she put it, but I do feel better about it today than yesterday.

And I'll watch anything where John Cusack has a role, porn, kids shows, epic movies, an opera, anything. Just sayin.

Day 6: I love to clean. For whatever crazy reason, when I was little I didn't have trouble cleaning, just starting and processing. Now that I have the hang of it, and styled it, oh man, I love cleaning. Ahh! Everything has a place, I get to watch a movie, listen to music, get exercise. Soo good. Dusting is my favorite.

That is to say, I can't stand doing the dishes. I can, and it's usually out of love rather than necessity, but ugh, I really don't enjoy them. I take cash and gift cards, btw...need a clean room?

Dang it!

Today was nice, I was able to hang out with some friends I haven't seen in awhile, let alone together, which they are known for. But it was nice, I had a pear/blackberry cider that was awesome, and there was a full couple seconds when I could appreciate Dark Beer...(the small female who ordered the drink said, think coffee, and really dark chocolate, and it was pretty good, minus the head). Now if I was cool, I'd remember what it was called cuz I was invited to a beer tasting and I have hardly any pallet. eh.

OMGoodness. I'm stoked. I hated staying in All last weekend, and this week I have something to do like every day of the week with different people. *is excited*

Day 5: I have to have the last word. Shit, shit, shit, I have to have the last word. I was pointed that out by someone recently and only after tonight, being fully aware I had been told that recently, I felt like a douche. I DO always have to have the last word. I don't mean to discredit people, but I imagine I have made some people feel that way, which is super unfortunate as the last thing I want to do is push people away.

I need to keep quiet. If someone wants to know, they'll ask right? Maybe I can have the last word, but only if I make it the end of a question to keep conversation going...OOOOO!! Challenge accepted.

There's something to be said about when someone wants to talk with you

And no one else. Today I talked with a ton of people I don't normally get the chance to chat with and it was awesome. From a family friend, to a former classmate/good friend, and a former coworker. If I wasn't nurturing my throat I would have been out, like I wanted to be, but that didn't happen, and there were GREAT places I could be. I felt loved.

Odd situation just a few min ago though. I had a friend of mine, that I'm interested in and is interested in me as far as I know, request that I respond as quickly as possibly to their texts tonight because said person is paranoid because they are in a car and they don't know where they are going. In a car with a new friend who brought blankets and said it was a surprise. Who just so happens to be female...? It's kind of my fault for asking, but I'm not sure I should feel uncomfortable about it because said person chose me for safety and company even though with new said female friend. Now they're at a bar eating, and I can only assume said person is safe...? after they were scared like that...odd...slightly offensive. I shouldn't think much into it.

Day 5: I'm a published poet in "The Wire Harp: __City__'s Creative Arts Magazine." I was on the board but wasn't there the day we were going over mine. It's a silly poem I wrote on a whim in a completely different fashion from how I usually write but eh. It got published and I got to read it in front of a lot of people which was pretty cool.  Here's my last full poem I wrote, which is funny cuz I had just turned 21 when I wrote it, and when I went back a year later, it was still true. LOL.

21

It goes so fast.
Fast than yellow goes to red.
There's no stopping it and hardly any time to
     Just
               Slow
                         Down.
I need a break from the bars of fury and the wrathful and unforgiving syrup of life
that feeds us all.
Some more frequently and careless than others.
The do all, say all, expect nothing and everything as people expect you to.
Longing to just go and be,
in no particular hurry either.
All it has to, or will be is somewhere that counts, to anyone including yourself.
A need pulled from nowhere lurching you onward against your will.
It goes so fast.
An energy that starts at 5 o'clock despite being up since 6.
One day it will be gone, before your mind allows, the body will give under the strain to maintain and grow
despite a lack of sun.
Your self control is wrought with constant
loss of cells
and unconscious decisions.
A maschochistic abuse that leads to less time to really, fully
                                                                                                        Breathe.

More chances of dangerous, hard situations, but in teh advantage of youth, knowing better
doesn't mean caring.
It goes so fast.

-Stephanie

Well that was productive.

And by that I mean not at all. Today, because I was recommended to by like everyone, I stayed home and sat on my butt all day in super comfy clothes that didn't match and watched around 8 episodes of Mad Men. Don't get me wrong, it's a good show, and I'm glad I watched it, the attention to detail is extraordinary, but man, that's the first day in a very long time that I haven't left the house once. I didn't go on the back porch, I didn't go to the store for more tea or my prescription, and my best friend whom I initially made plans with had to cancel. So I stayed couch ridden. I made a goal a long time ago to not just sit at home all day cuz that's what I used to do all the time. I can say that physically I feel a little better, but my throat still hurts really bad and I still have no control over the pitch in my voice. Tomorrow is another day. Supposed to be sunny, and I might have a date with the batting cages...for the first time ever...hahaha. If it pans out, this'll be funny.

Day 4: I love to complain. I say that in a completely selfish, I'm gonna take my time cuz I need it, and I'm gonna mean it for every minute that I complain kind of way. But, aside from that, I'm generally over the situation once I complain about it. This fact is proven most when I drive. Let me say that what some people call reckless, I call skilled, and I know I'm an overall great driver from point A to point B, but that's on the outside. On the inside I yell and curse and throw my hands in the air. I don't honk my horn but if you could hear me I'd make you feel like a dumb-ass. And then, I'm good, business as usual. Just another drive in the car. Pause to let people in. No big deal.

I know that for me, to keep my calm, I do need to be angry, just a little at least for a minute. Sometimes I even time myself. Like, okay, you have 5 min to be angry about your friend canceling plans, then you're over it. I talk myself through the shitty situation, how I'm gonna act from there, and then get on with it. I try really hard not to take it out on people, because lots of people that I've met out there don't know how to release and they seem very hurt/lost/angry and I don't want to be like that. I used to be and nope, not going back.


ps. life lesson passed to me from another who learned it today. "There's a thin line between wants and expectations."

Miss Squeeky McSqueekerton

Yes, today I fully lost my voice for the first time in years. I haven't actually ever heard what I've sounded like outside of my head though. People told me some pretty odd things to cure it. Like gargling with salt water. I tried it, didn't do anything cept taste bad. TONS of tea, tons of tea. Someone told me to get sugar free Halls or something like that cuz the sugars build up and attract bacteria, which I wasn't excited about. Nor am I excited about the fact that atop this, two other known body enemies have come about again and neither are fun with this head chest thing I have.

Last night was fun. Trivia, but not in the usual way at all. It was in the downstairs portion of the place, we came in last, and we were missing a normal teammate. Bonus was there was an entire category for Disney movies that you had to guess from a Spanish version of one of the songs. So funny. Woot, working in a day care and loving Disney came in handy as an adult! So stoked. And our category that we created our first night out was actually submitted and chosen.

Day 3: If I can dance or sing to it, I can appreciate it as music. I had a talk earlier today in my hot tub about if you could travel back and go to any concert, which ones would you see.Tons were thrown out from every where, and it totally reminded me that I do love Ton of music though I don't actively seek it out like some do. I'll figure out later how to attach a list of top 10 ideas for time travel concerts. cuz i'm tired. and i'm sick. and now i'm full. and i just wanna watch my new movie in bed. lol

Much obliged.

PS. today was my last day with my best buddy from day one at work cuz he got a job with security, and won't make him take a 2 month break every year. Literally trained the exact same from the bottom up. I'm gonna miss him, he was great support on long days.

Bearings.

Last night I saw hands down, the BEST view of Seattle I have ever seen. I found a friend who I can see myself being friends with for a very long time, and my soul was genuinely, monumentally, and very simply, happy. There was even a time, late at night, when I reached in my pocket to check the time on my phone, looked up at the skyline, said "Actually time doesn't matter right now," and put my phone back before I could see the display.

Theme o' the evening was 2.
2 groups o' females.
2 sour drinks.
2 glasses o' delicious wine.
2 bars.
2 plates o' food. (to share)
most importantly, I had 2, count it, TWO De Ja Vus.

Day 2: I think De Ja Vus are amazing. I fully value them as moments I need to throw my hands up in the air, smile and embrace time as it repeats to myself just as I've seen it before. Personally, I think it's God/nature/the universe's way of saying "Checkpoint, you're doing good, keep it up!" Like "You've been doing good, here's proof, you've made it this far." They mean a lot to me because they usually happen when I try new things and when I'm making decisions for me, when I'm happiest.

I've known a couple people who actually think of De Ja Vus as bad, only because when they've experienced them, the situations usually got worse, and one of these friends said they'd speed up, or happen more frequently the closer to the bad event came.

Recently I've been thrown for a small loop, and it called in question, or at least made me reevaltuate how I present and hold myself. It really made me uncomfortable as I was fully believing I had a steady foundation of self to stand on, which I do, but there might have been some loose cement on top.

Just living last night, singing the whole car ride home, and writing it down in my Book, with the emphasis of the De Ja Vus, I got my bearings aligned again, and my heart feels way better.

Interactions with others...

I had a thought yesterday just in the walk by "how ya doin" kind of conversation, and I said something along the lines of "you don't mess with the beloved, they always have a bigger file than you in case things get dirty." I realize now that a. probably sounded really odd coming from a 22 yr old woman who this woman barely knows, and b. might have sounded selfish when she said i was loved here.

Then i got to thinking, which usually gets me in trouble, but it is fun and extremely odd to remove oneself from your world and see you as others do. Not just a mirror, but what experiences did they have before meeting your and hearing your, well my, super weird and nothing accounted for, random phrases. If she cared to question, or think about it a second further, I wonder what she wonders my day was like prior to just that sentence. hmmm...like, well someone didn't have their coffee this morning. Or, someone's self absorbed because they think everyone there loves them. (mind you, I have it on good authority at my job that no one would throw me under the bus, but maybe that just means they're all just not telling me something...which could be worse but eh).

Random thought. My head hurts like my brain is a size too big for my skull. It has for a few days strait now. I think I need to see my chiropractor.

Let's get this thing started...

OMGoodness! I"m not sure quite yet what I've gotten myself into, but here goes. I just got done reading some co-worker blogs and what can I say, I'm inspired. I"ve always found it challenging to write everyday, been tryin since I was little and I have a ton of little diaries with maybe a few scattered days here and there back at my old home. As it supposedly takes 21 days strait to make a habit, (lol recently learned just by hanging up my coat when I come home), and I'm 22, I'm gonna try and write every day for AT LEAST 22 days. Even if I have to set an alarm on my phone. (like with my birth control when I first started, it was funny waking up to me saying "no babies, no babies, no babies, no babies," just sayin).

I"m really in it now, as it's not recommended to look at a computer screen at least 2 hours before you plan to sleep, and well, my 32" tv is my monitor, so I'm screwed.


I guess I'll start with 22 facts about me, a day at a time:

Day 1. I have 6 tattoos that I have gotten in 4 sittings, and they mean the world to me, because to me I get to carry around the people and things I love everywhere with me, and I think they are all so very wonderful. note: I've gotten all of them within the past year.

Some studies somewhere say that your brain doesn't fully develops until your 24/25 or something like that, (43% of statistics are made up on the spot, lol), and  I've heard some people tell me I'll regret them eventually. I do think for myself thank you very much people, and I will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER NEVER will regret any of them.
1. 1St night in San Diego - Drunk - ultimate 21 run with mom, her hs good friend and her daughter. All of whom I spent a majority of my first 5/6 years with.  We all got matching Chinese writing for "new beginnings" on our hip bones (my mom and I on our left, Karla and Brit on their right). Not to mention it was all but Brit's first tattoos.
2. March - Harley Davidson dealership - my arms- right: "What if there was no tomorrow?" great conversation starter and kind of a when to live reminder. left: "God, Love, Family, Self, Friends" - My priorities in that order. I used to put myself last but no one wins in that scenario, and I think there are certain friends who become family who do get put before me. As well as a why to live reminder.
3. April 16 - All American Tattoo - Dodecahedron on my right calf. Almost a 3d version of a diamond, a peridot, and a sapphire. (my sister, my mom, and I's birthstones.) for my sister's 18th birthday. My mom and my sister have very similar ones, tho my sister's is still only an outline.
4. uuuuhh - I should know this...- My right foot (yes, FUCKING OOOOOOWWWW!!): BAD in jetson's looking block letters in green/yellow/red cuz I love...bob marley...wink wink. Stands for Bob And Donna, my grandparents who passed away in 2010 3 months and a day apart. They were the Johnny and June I knew. left foot (again, FUCKING OOOOOOWWWW!!): my cat Friskey's paw prints. All I can say is, if you can remember when days were short and years were long, and not the other way around, I had her for SEVENTEEN AND A HALF YEARS!
I miss them all dearly, but this way, they can walk with me everywhere. When I walk to the graduation stage after college, walking down the eisle to the love of my life, walk into the nursery at the hospital, walk in Europe, etc.

No regrets. ('cept now I feel like all my posts have to be that long...eeek.)