Oh humanity.

Holy cats batman, it's time for another post!

This time to point out how uncanny and crazy and random life can be. Within the past two days I found out my mother has made her 4th very large purchase within two years. I'm not her mother so I can't tell her to be wiser about spending/saving money. I found out that my dad is in the hospital for the second time for alcohol abuse, after he said the first time scared him enough. And that my best friend's boyfriend has possibly cheated on her within the past two months. Lots of reasons to think life may not have the best things in store for me. Nor is any of that encouraging to any of the parties.

But when I went into my local pub and started my beer, some lady who has come in a couple times before but I whom only recently became acquainted with on Saturday, comes in with a bag of clothes for me because I accidentally admitted to the state of my undershirt (stapled to keep it together). The manager behind the bar pointed out I shouldn't have said anything to begin with, which I agree with. I hate bringing people into my problems. But goodness knows I'll be praying to the universe she does well when she moves on Monday. I hope she knows how much they are all appreciated. I feel embarrassed but I can't take it back so I guess I'll just enjoy the clothes...?

I saw my dad coming. I saw my mom coming. I saw my best friend's boyfriend coming. I didn't see the kindness coming. Why can't I see what's ahead of me? I'm scared to end up super jaded. I've seen what it does to people. I'm probably just paranoid.

Ugh. Great plans for thanksgiving considering that its a horrible thing to celebrate. I'm stoked.

Now...what to believe...

Hmmm...

This has really been plaguing me since around the beginning of September when I had a temporary roommate who listens to Alex Jones all morning. Now, some people might think that he's crazy while others might just say he's pissed. The thing is though, he's connecting the dots from years of experience, and his stated facts are true. So, is the government out to get us? Probably. Are they gonna tell us? Probably not.

I've also been struggling with the concept of religion, most specifically Christianity; a religion I have based so much of my life on. I watched Zeitgeist and it answered a lot of questions I didn't know we're ever asked, that I never thought to ask. I guess it just made an omnipresent God the most realistic. It's difficult for me to define myself as a person saved by Jesus when it just seems to be a perpetual cycle of astronomical coincidences.

Part of me thinks I'm too young to be pissed at the shit that is being left to my generation. But then again, if I don't do something, or act against it, none of my uninformed peers will, and then where will we be? Almost doesn't make me want kids, or at least bring one into this world until I know it's going to get better, which will not be anytime soon. Plus there are many other children out there in the world who need love.

Huge thanks for the sanity plea this last Thursday J. Sriracha sauce burgers were delicious, coffee was very necessary, and dancing with baby were just what I needed. I think I'll avoid Snoqualamie pass from now on anyways. So expect a couple stop-bys. Ps. Photo-enforced speed limits now in effect on I-90. WTF?!

I hurt someone's feelings last night. Worst part is that I know precisely where they were coming from. I can't stand how words don't mean hardly anything anymore. You can't say something meaningful without them having heard it before.

Channeling my Native ancestors

Nevermind the usual comments about how long it's been. I've been busy. Single since that dreadful day in August. It was more than anything I've felt before and ended before it began. A year older, which it doesn't feel like. I haven't had hot water since May and haven't had running water for over a month. Here's where the channelling my ancestors comes into play. I've been hauling water into the house for a month so that I can pour 5 gallons into the top part of the toilet to flush. I don't think I'll ever think of a shower the same way again. Bringing the strength from my great x3 grandparents who had to haul water for irrigation. Luckily no one has made fun of me to my face for it. My roommates suck. At least in terms of paying bills on time. I have two jobs, both part time, enlightening and fun. I've learned a lot in the lines of conspiracy theories and it's beneficial to question people. I miss my family, but I still have a few good friends. The ones that were ok with the lack of money, which I am saving well now. Ish. Rent is too damn high. I miss a dear friend I hurt before my ex. The one I could talk to for three hours on the phone before we knew it. I deserve what I lost. Maybe it's just my emotional time of the month, or I'm finally being reflective. But I can really only hope the great times are here and continue. It's all in how you chose to remember it and since I've learned so much I don't think I could be disappointed at where I am. I feel so different, like I am pickier about my words and following what feels best and makes the most sense. Realize differences I had never experienced. Soooo young and soooo much time left and soooo much to do. Not dating again till I'm thirty. Over it. I'm alone but not lonely.
Lighter note, I've had sooooooo much beer and wine within the last couple months in prep for and after the opening of the ale house I work at. My bosses are awesome. And they are connected like I joined a family. She hugged me right after I was broken up with, brought me inside and gave me a beer. Given me time at work, like a priority. Found me the 2nd job. Total awesome cat lady. Huge heart.
I should go do something productive. Which is most of my life at this point.

Whatever makes the world go round

So this growing up thing seems to really revolve around 2 things. Communication, and responsibility. And whoa, goodness I wasn't nearly as ready as I had thought.

I can totally handle things like doing the dishes of the house because no one else will, or keeping my cat's litter box clean because I wouldn't want to go to the bathroom stepping in my own waste. Remedial tasks like making food on the stove rather than microwave, though I don't have much option anymore because our microwave went toes up. And all that jazz.

What I'm struggling with is using my actions and not words. Responsibility covers a lot of fields and in terms of people, I could definitely learn a few more things.

This all sucks because I want/need to save money. And as it stands right now, I'm living paycheck to paycheck and my job hasn't started yet. I feel like a horrible friend to my friends because it has become conditional. I can hang out with the conditions of it being free or super cheap. I have to worry about how and how much it's going to cost me to get there not to mention if we're purchasing something like a drink or food.  I've recently had people give me food and I'm on food stamps, so getting food isn't difficult, people just don't wanna cook, they all want to go "out."

I have big goals, and these minor expenses add up and it's unfortunate. I feel like I have to give up a life to get somewhere. I mean, they tell you the ultimatum when you're growing up, but you never think it'll apply. What sacrifices must be made to have both? If I chose to move forward, and save money, and not see anyone, how do I explain that I chose that path to the good people I'd be leaving? Like a horrible friend filter.

Maybe it's not so horrible. I'd understand if someone was just consistently broke and couldn't hang out, but what about after they get money? Would they be a bad friend if they still chose to not go out? Some might think so. I'd understand. I think the key to having/saving money is forgetting that you have it. I moved where I did so I could save and of course, I made plans and God laughed. Finding a job took 2 months longer than expected and I still don't have one yet. My car insurance went from $150 a month to $300 because I moved, and my car's getting older and I need quite a few new things.

None of this probably made any sense, and I don't think I even finished my thought on responsibility but I haven't eaten today and I made food. No one's going to read this anyways.

So this is it.

*deep breath*exhale* go.

It has been awhile and while a door may swing both directions, the wind has failed to even bluster a budge either way. It must be said I have hurt for and deserve it. As a result my audience may result in only my lonesome.

My life has changed dramatically since I have last written. And I can hardly touch the realizations that have come my way. Beliefs I have come to agree with, and patterns I hope I can keep.

Brief thought: I don't know why I'm doing this. I keep telling myself I'm living a life I'm proud of and see so clearly that I can interpret it to words and send the message that life is beautiful from any perspective. But let's be honest, I'm not good at writing things down, nor am I good at writing everyday unless it's for work. Might partially be because I need to attach myself to computer. It's cheaper in the long run and being unemployed...(new, but soon to be over)...leaves little extra fun cash after my car insurance goes up to $300 a month. F U insurance. I'll just boycott and take the bus...which I'm super close to now anyways (new).

Goal: to be paid for being awesome all the time. Not gonna happen but eh. I can dream.

If life was one story that you tell kids when you are super old and in a rocking chair, with your best friend and pink lemonade, then I'd like mine to have a ton of funny twists, and adventures. Hence, my new job at an alehouse 4 blocks from me, a new place with a great view of the mountains, and no money. Only for a moment. I have a great boyfriend, a whiny-old cat, and odd house-mates. Very odd. (only details for now).

(grown-up)Adventure today: Meet up with a Real Estate agent to see if I'd be good at making quick money the real (estate) way! Ha...ha...haaaaaaa... I figure, it's easy, something I can do part or full time, I can keep my other new job, and I could go back to school. I have another interview next week (call center) if I don't like this anyways...

Yup. It happened.

The worst fears from that rant saturday came true. Woke up sunday am with a temp of 101.3. Which turned on and off as the day progressed. Highest recorded temp of mine in recent history was last night at 103.7. Equals super lame.

Day 16: everyone has vices. I was recently told a semi guilty pleasure, which really isn't that bad considering circumstances, and when confronted with my own i came up with few. Pizza, taco del mar, movies with subtitles, bad horror movies, and almost anything in the german language. But, whew, tough to admit to, but i LOVE the tv show 'the oc.' i own the entire thing and it's either the next disc or another dvd in my dvd player. Always. So there. I said it!

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.

It's been a week of God awful. Currently I'm feeling the effects of staying out till 2, not drinking and coming home to stay up till 330. Woke up right at 11 with a lung span that seems a size or two too small, a headache that could constrain a bull, a slight sun burn (my fault), and soreness to the max. I'm so tired. I'm currently having my carpets cleaned. Woot. For free. Glad i don't work on commission. Write soon. Just too tired.

Still haven't found the jet dry lid...

Oh britain, what is about your tv shows that has me captivated until the wee hours in the morning? Every single time?!
My head hurts.
I miss someone i shouldn't.
I wrote in my other book last night. The callous on my finger apparently wasn't as tough as i thought it was.
It's late and i'm totally capable of admitting too much.
Day 15: i really really really miss school. It wasnever the school part that bothered me. It was the people. Fall was/ismy favorite season because of my birthday, the harvest moon, the cool weather that snaps in your chest, ALL THE COLORS, and school started again. Honestly, truely, deeply. Since i was little.
My phone is less than a year old and it seems so ancient.

At my utmost confused...

I am still trying to absorb what just happened. I went to go load the dishwasher about 20 minutes ago. I fill the dishwasher up completely; this takes about five minutes as I don't need to rinse them. I fill the place for the detergent and went to go fill the jet dry. This is where I'm at a loss. I turn itever so slightly and it doesn't budge. I put a little more into it and it not only pulls out but it shoots into the wall beside me. I watched it fly eight into the dishwasher. I glance back at the jet dry compartment and the lid is gone, confirming it leaving its home and my posession. So I searched the while bottom portion of this machine. And found nothing loose. So I checked the shelves. Nothing. All three of them. Not there. So I go to the other side to see if it was just the perspective and nothing. Re-checked everything in that washer. So by Einsteins definition, I would be insane. So I've been looking everywhere outside of it, all the cabinets where closed and still nothing. On the floors or the counter. Nowhere...so confused...

Let go and let God.

Sad. I has the whole post written and as soon as i tabbed over it was gone! :(

Title o blog post is what i need to work on as i feel a little helpless in most of my attempts recently and i'm not going to clarify. Kind of a mix between a flying boy who leads a pack of lost children, Ione Skye in my favorite 80's movie and the pair of best friends from Tucson. Stop this train. Iwanna get off and go home again. I can't take the speed it's moving in. I know i can't but honestly, won't someone stop this train.

I will be terminally single. The right person will come when ileast expect it and when God thinks i'm ready. So i can wait and not anticipate and work on me and have fun in the meantime. He'll know when it's time. I need to notbe so pushyand remember to sit back wand watch and listen more.

Day 14: my 5 languages of love as of...today.
Your Scores
6 Words of Affirmation
9 Quality Time
3 Receiving Gifts
8 Acts of Service
4 Physical Touch

5lovelanguages.com - it's awesome. And helpful. And i'm not just saying that.

Procrastinators UNITE....Tomorrow!

Man, it's been too long. You're right and you know who you are. I should write in here more. I should remember my lunch too. lol. I did write twice in this span of a couple plus weeks, just in my other book.

It hasn't been great. But I'm learning still. The people I've talked to recently and seen in person have helped. Most people are just caring and supportive, and I think a few are genuinely appreciative of me just listening.

I want to help people, even if me helping makes me feel better. I'll be selfish in that. And I might be in the wrong profession at the moment for that...

Day 13: (super late) I need a goal. I want to be so good at something that if I took a test on it I'd be an expert. Tough part is that I have a really hard time sticking to goals. Even when I was little I quit gymanstics, I quit soccer for volleyball and I eventually quit that too. I've quit from school and I've quit/lost a job. I quit job searching, talking to people I knew, and quit having sympathy for people who don't try.

I need to get out of my head and out there. Not per se actually out, but into researching. saving, and planning. I have plenty of time, and the more I plan it out and save and research the more the goal will be worth. I just have to figure out what it is. Might start with looking at pictures. I think they say that to achieve a goal it helps to look at it every day. Might need some new backgrounds for my phone and iPad...and new playlists. I haven't done that in forever.

Oh Pandora!

How I miss thee now that I have you! It's pretty ridiculous. It just knows. Best station ever = My song of LIFE = Drive by Incubus. LOVE this station. Soo happy, every time.

I wanna watch Misfits. She's totally bald, and hif two girls are both trouble! I wish I had more time for TV. Might need more tube time with no money. I'm going to make myself a budget, like an adult, so I'm not guessing my balance in my bank account.

Totally played Cribbage with my Mom tonight. First game was mine, hands down. I got a hand of 21 and a hand of like 16 as my last hand and both were Cribbs! So much awesome! 2nd game I got skunked. Lol. Balance. and 3rd game I was teaching my 17 yr old roommate.

Simple things that made my day: playing with a chinese yo-yo...debating what color the yoyo was, (the color carrot was mentioned), 230 TV watchings, seeing the Space Needle when I woke up, Pandora, left-overs for dinner, hearing from a coworker that cauliflower is a bland, albino version of broccoli, and folding Laundry...weird I know.

Day 12: I Love Cleaning as long as it's not dishes, and I can't bake/cook well at all. I had trouble cleaning my room when I was little, not because I didn't want to, I was just very confused as to how. My mom used to make me a check list, with boxes of steps to clean my room. Maybe it was then, or once I got the hang of it, that I realized how much I enjoy it. I considered professionally cleaning, but I can imagine that it'd be like food, it's awesome until your surrounded by it. But people note that my room is "clean" when in reality there's still soo much to do, my "dirty room" tends to be qualified as "clean" to a ton of my friends. At least it used to. That's changed as my friends have gotten older. And I can't really cook. I can do ground beef and that's it in terms of meat. I can do pasta, but I've even burned that before. I can make almost anything in a microwave, or from a box. But I wouldn't put my life on baking, nor creativity. But I can definitely taste test just fine. Lol.

Hate dishes. And it was only after living with someone that wasn't family for just a little bit to make me realize they always suck, but they need to be done. That's just that.